Languages and my acceptance of my 'here-ness'

I've been in Malaysia almost 7 years now.  That's a substantial amount of time.  Long enough for me to have learned the local language and adapted to the local culture.  The second one has occurred but the former has unfortunately not.

Now, I'm no imperialist.  I wish I could speak Mandarin and Bahasa Whatever-it-is-this-year (either Melayu or Malaysia... depends on whether an election is coming I think...) fluently.  But I can't speak either to any extent and I'm deeply embarassed about that.  I've organised Mandarin lessons, which fell apart after a few weeks due to work commitments, and whenever I speak Bahasa I get stares and bewildered looks which automatically make me think I've said something wrong or dirty.  I guess people here are just not prepared to hear their own language coming out of a Mat Salleh's mouth.  I probably spoke correctly, but they were just not expecting it and showed me their astonished face and that promptly stopped me repeating what I said.

I guess I will have to make some arrangements sooner or later for more lessons, but my language esteem is at an all time low.  My mate's in KL can have entire conversations in perfect Bahasa.  I can't even ask for the time correctly.  I guess I'm just no linguist.  I've tried learning various languages over the years, all to no avail.  No matter how much tuition I received I simply forgot the words when it came time to actually speak to someone.  Trust me when I say I understand COMPLETELY my students fears and difficulties in learning English.  What astounds me is their perseverance.

This language issue of mine runs parallel with my habitual reluctance to really settle down here.  I've always kept myself at a distance from Malaysia as I always thought I'd be leaving any day.  Not putting my heart and soul into learning the languages was one way of keeping distance I guess.  But not so any longer.  Here it is people - I've finally come to the acceptance that this is where I live, this is my home now and this is where I'm going to stay - for the next several years at least, work and education pending.  But I've accepted that I'm here to stay.

I suppose my daughter's birth has had a major impact on that realisation. I don't call it a decision as I feel deep down it had already been made.  She has made me understand that it's not bad to be here - we're in a good place.  Just let it be and enjoy it.

I also suspect my grandfather's death in January also played a part in how I feel.  I'm not sure how yet, but I sense that that trip to NZ just for a week opened my eyes to just what life I was living in Malaysia - one I couldn't have with 4 kids in NZ.

Looks like I have 2 homes now, lucky me!  I just have to do my part for Malaysia, to improve it however I can for my kids and others.  I also have to allow Malaysia to improve me, to let it get close and to allow me to learn her languages.  Which I will, just not sure how or when.